


This Is Ha(ts)lloween

by eLOCIn, Percilout



Series: The (Bat-)Hat-Saga [3]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Superman - All Media Types
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Crack, Forgive Me, Hatober, M/M, this isn't as funny as it should have been rip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:21:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27280372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eLOCIn/pseuds/eLOCIn, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Percilout/pseuds/Percilout
Summary: As Cass stepped forward to sign the words “The H in Halloween stands for hats”, he knew that any battle he could have possibly won had already been fought without him. So, instead of complaining, he turned to Bruce and told him he was going to regret this.Hatober day 31 - The H stands for HatHatober bonus day - Tentacles can also be hats
Relationships: Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne
Series: The (Bat-)Hat-Saga [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1968073
Comments: 10
Kudos: 20





	This Is Ha(ts)lloween

**Author's Note:**

  * For [santino](https://archiveofourown.org/users/santino/gifts).



> The third and final installment of the (Bat-)Hat-Saga.  
> As always for my friend santino, though I don't even know if they read these.  
> Won't make much sense if you haven't read the first two but will also not make much sense if you have already read those.  
> Hope you enjoy!

Bruce had been kissing him against the side of the batmobile when the chaos started.

“Bruuuuuce, Claaaark, stop making out and get into your costumes,” Dick shouted as the kids were rushing into the cave.

“Your other costumes,” Tim added from behind his brother.

“Exactly. No acting as if you’re already changed. No chickening out on this either. I asked the Birds of Prey to look after the city and they graciously agreed to do so.”

Clark, still pressed up against the tons of metal, groaned. He had completely forgotten which day it was. He’d been looking forward to participating in some more ~~sweaty~~ ~~sexy~~ ~~soul-altering~~ _challenging_ activities that night but all those thoughts were for nought now. “I didn’t even think about getting a new costume.”

The kids — well, some of them — started cheering and laughing. Clark was a little concerned about that. What had they been planning?

“That won’t be a problem, we purchased some for you!”

“Oh no.”

“Oh yes!”

Clark looked at Bruce as the kids snickered and there was even more of a commotion. Something was happening at the back of the colony of bats. “You can’t possibly be all right with this.”

Bruce looked back at him, one eyebrow raised and the hint of a smirk playing on his lips. “They cleared this with me.”

The Kryptonian was still in shock, his mouth gaping wide, when he received another shock (he was surprised it wasn’t _a faint_ or, even better, **_a death_** ) at what he saw when he turned back around. Steph was holding two wizards’ cloaks — one blue and one black, how fitting — while Dick had toy staves in his and Damian, looking a bit put out by it, was holding two hats that looked suspiciously close to what hat-Bruce had looked like.

“Jeez,” he wheezed, “I had hoped I would never have to see that again.”

He thought back to the two times his partner had gone through a very leathery, crackly (and, to be honest, kind of stinky — Clark was no fan of the old hat smell) transformation. It had been horrible. Slightly fun to remember it now because, well, those were two very interesting dates for their relationship, but mainly horrible. He’d been more than happy — and maybe slightly disgruntled — when Zatanna had crashed their last Christmas celebration to snatch Bruce for an hour to finally reverse the curse. He really had not been prepared to see that thing outside of pictures ever again.

Knowing that he would sound slightly desperate but at the same time not caring anymore, he asked, “why would you even do that?”

As Cass stepped forward to sign the words “The H in Halloween stands for hats”, he knew that any battle he could have possibly won had already been fought without him. So, instead of complaining, he turned to Bruce and told him he was going to regret this.

bats + hats

The chaos that had started in the cave only worsened in the manor.

Bruce and Clark had gone up to their bedroom to find appropriate clothing for beneath the cloaks (“I wasn’t about to spend any more money on _your_ costumes, Big Blue.”) and when they came back downstairs, it was to running, screaming, and (hidden, but not very well hidden) crying.

Duke was lying on the floor in a zombie costume, Dick was running between Jason and Babs who had suddenly materialised in the manor, and Steph was painting her face as the tears rolled down her cheeks, smudging the make-up and, in turn, making her cry even harder. He couldn’t say why they had all decided to come to the sitting room for this but he was glad that there would be only one room to clean up afterwards.

The two of them simply watched the chaos for a while before Clark decided to give up.

“Where is Alfred?”

“He won’t be joining us tonight.”

“What?”

“I gave him the night off.”

_“What?”_

Swirling around, he stared at his partner. Scared. Hurt. Betrayed.

“You heard me.”

“I know I did but why would you do that? On a night like this? With all the kids around? Do you _want_ us to die?”

“We will survive one night without him around.”

“Yes, sure, one night, but this isn’t just any night,” he whined, but it was to no avail. Apparently, Alfred had left the manor that morning to fly off on a day-trip to Canada. If Clark didn’t want to fly him back himself, he had no other choice than to accept his fate. A dozen children — most of whom weren’t exactly children anymore but still — and a night spent walking around Gotham City. He already felt close to tears himself at the prospect. Great.

“Todd” Damian screeched, “why would you put that monstrous thing on Titus’ head? He can’t see!”

Jason, ever calm in the face of impending doom, just kept on scratching the dog’s sides. “Haven’t you heard? Tentacles can be hats too.”

As Clark used his x-ray vision to see through Jason’s torso which was blocking his view, he saw a squid plushie tied to the Great Dane. With a sigh, he turned his vision back off and instead went to help Cassandra with her _Orphan_ costume. That girl had the strangest sense of humour.

bats + hats

The trick-or-treating went surprisingly well for about 78 minutes.

They had called a taxi to bring them into the city, had walked around aimlessly looking at the spooky décor for a quarter hour, and had then started walking up to people’s doorsteps. Damian, being the youngest, was made the head of the troop. He was also the only one who really got any candy. And Damian, being Damian, defended it from anyone who came too close to it as if he were defending a life. Clark, having known this would happen, pulled some Reese’s, Candy Corn and Nerds from the tote bag he had brought. The kids, minus Damian, descended upon it as if it were their prey.

The reporter didn’t think they could scar him any more than they had already done in the last few years but their candy craze definitely resulted in his mental health taking a big hit. Bruce, the bastard, was just standing ten feet away, happily munching on the raspberry and chocolate chip cookies he had stuffed into his cloak’s pockets.

Shortly after, Tim — designated bearer of knowledge for the night — got an update from the Birds of Prey, stating that they were currently occupied at the Gotham Museum of Antiquities and would then have to deal with something at Robinson Park (“Gonna take a while but we’ve got it covered! Promise!”).

After that, they had ten more minutes of extended family fun until they came ever closer to Gotham River and the sounds of panicked screaming of dozens of people.

“Gothamites don’t scream like that. Must be the tourists,” Bruce declared as they quickly made their way closer to the water.

“Of course,” Jason scoffed, “no one else would be stupid enough to go that close to the docks on a night like this.”

Clark was not about to say so out loud but Jason was right about that.

When they arrived at the river half a minute later, Clark cursed himself for not having the foresight of already changing into his supersuit in one of the dark alleyways they had passed.

“Oh my god,” said Duke, “those are flower hat jellies. I saw them in a doc I watched last week.”

The jellies were floating above the river, hundreds of them being swept towards the ever-growing mass of aquatic animals. If it weren’t for them flying off to attack people, it would have been quite beautiful.

“God, I hate magic,” some random passer-by sobbed as he jogged by into safety.

“Who doesn’t, though?” Tim asked as he rummaged in his jeans pocket. “Hey, Zatanna,” he then spoke into his commlink, “we have a situation at Gotham River. It’s a bit fishy.”

“ _Olindias formosus_ couldn’t possibly be less related to fish.”

“Oh, shut up, Duke.”

“You were right. I’m already regretting this,” Bruce muttered as he fought off a jelly that was suddenly being flung at him with the plastic staff in his hand.

Clark ran off to change and when he came back, then dressed as Superman, it was to the sight of the jellies not simply bumping into the people that were still around, but floating down upon their heads to attach themselves to their skulls.

“Huh,” he heard Jason say before he repeated, “tentacles can be hats too.”

Hats. Always the goddamn hats. Clark would go home and destroy every single one they had in the manor after this fight.

But for the time being, he had a different mission. Superman flew off to the other side of the river, where, standing on top of a roof, a wizard was smiling and chanting. He was wearing an ugly, dirty-white hat and Kal came close to just blasting the damn thing off his head.

Reining in his emotions, he instead decided to fly closer. Which didn’t work. The wizard didn’t seem to be bothered by it as Superman flew against the protective shielding and bounced off it.

Deciding that this would be a battle for someone else to fight, he flew off to do the next best thing — fighting the jellies directly. The tentacled animals, however, had other plans than being beaten, squished or scorched by him. They flew off in the other direction, wiggled out of his hands, completely surrounded him and flew back down into the water. To say that he was confused and annoyed was an understatement.

By the time Zatanna arrived, Superman had nearly taken down all the jellies (with a little help from the running and screaming batkids on the ground (and absolutely no help by the infamous Bruce Wayne, who had found himself a perch on a rock and was shouting at people to get the hell away from there or to at least stop obstructing his view of the Superman)) . However, the magic that led them was also zapping his energy, leaving him slow and tired, so very tired.

As the magician quickly defeated the wizard and the Kryptonian had pushed the last of the jellies back into the river, he floated down to the ground and let himself lie back on the hard asphalt.

Zatanna looked over at Clark and Bruce, laughed and disappeared. The wizard, previously held up in the sky by her magic, fell into the river and got swept away by the current. He was floating on top of the water somehow. Good for him because none of them were going to get him out of it.

Clark groaned. “I never want to see a hat again in my life.”

Bruce, still wearing the replica bat-hat _for some goddamn reason,_ leaned down over him. “I hope you don’t mean that,” he whispered, “because I had something planned for tonight.”

He felt all energy return to his body as Bruce hummed the melody to _You Can Leave Your Hat On._

bat + hat

**Author's Note:**

> (AND THEN THEY WENT HOME, SENT THE KIDS TO BED, LOCKED THE DOOR AND HAD SEX BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY DO)
> 
> I googled "squid costume dog" and came up with this [[x]](https://angelgrrl.com/squid-dog/) and I think it's simply amazing.
> 
> Hope you guys like the end of the trilogy and if you did, please tell me?
> 
> All the love and see you sometime soon!  
> Lou~


End file.
